First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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