she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize