Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
