I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
