I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize