So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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