You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
