i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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