I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
