I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
