3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
