I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize