I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
