I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Randomize
