I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
