just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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