Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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