Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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