a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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