from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
