hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
