so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
