Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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