i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
