If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
