when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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