He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
