a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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