I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Randomize
