Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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