Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
