My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
