Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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