I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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