My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
