His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
