I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
