She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
