it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
