Do you still have your period?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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