So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
