There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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