3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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