If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
