i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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