Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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