I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Randomize
