Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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