I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
