Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
