Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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