dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I wish you could order shots online.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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