Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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