i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
