I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Randomize
