This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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