I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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