you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize