take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
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