Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
