i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
