he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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